Thursday, August 27, 2015

Weight, What?!

(Webster 1828 edition) –
a ponderous mass; something heavy; pressure; burden

(Merrian-Webster) –
a measurement that indicates how heavy a person or thing is

Sometimes I take a look at myself in the mirror and wonder how on earth I got to this size. It’s been one wild [sad] roller coaster ride. Up and down my weight went on the scales. Each pound gained adding more depression that I’d have to mask with my fun, vibrant personality. Surely, I could keep faking it. Who was I kidding?! One mention about how nice I looked and it poured out of me.

"Girl, I wish I was your size!"
"If I weighed what you weigh I’d never workout!"
"Ha, thanks, but I’ve got to get control of my weight."
"You think so, with these thighs?"
"Oh my goodness, if only my butt was smaller."
"Oh I hate pants. I love skirts and dresses because they are so girlie!"
"Honey please, I know I’m a biscuit!"

The negativity never ceased in my mind. I saw it when I looked in the mirror, tried on clothes, and took up the entire chair. (Side thought... I always thought it was cool to sit in a chair and still have some of the cushion show. I’m getting there!) Simple things like seeing my shadow and its size in comparison to my smaller, more petite friends made me put on a bigger show. “Make’em think you’re happy girl! Never let them know you hate your body.” Sadly, it never was enough to make me change. So bigger I grew.

Significant emotional events can make or break you. They can alter your reality, your life, your points of view for better or for worse. You can choose to dwell in what feels like the depth of despair or rise from the ashes as a new being. I decided to take control of my life. Every-single-aspect-of-it. It started with learning to love me. It took lots of tears, lots of honesty, realization AND acceptance of truth. As my internal woman grew stronger, my self-assurance grew, and as the authentic Tahnika emerged I took a good, long look in the mirror. Blossoming to well over 200 pounds, I looked at a picture and saw a face I no longer recognized. I decided it was time to fight the biggest battle of my life. My weight.

Anytime I’d attempted to fight this battle I was pretty hush hush about it. But as I previously blogged, I have been extremely public this FINAL go-around. It’s quite therapeutic because for every post made on social media are 10 [plus] doubtful thoughts all belonging or coming from me. (So when you say to yourself, ENOUGH already with the posts, remember these are helping her and maybe someone else fighting the same battle.) My happiest posts are pictures of my entire body. They are so dang liberating! And then there is this one – a picture of the back of my body.

But let me tell you, not an hour after it was posted I caught a glimpse of myself sitting down and there it was… that dang extra layer of fat in my lower back, upper gluteus region. What is this to me now? FUEL! Had I not been cooking dinner I would’ve made the following post…

…reminding myself that this-is-war! And while I can enjoy the victory there is far more fighting ahead.

I’ve received calls, texts, private messages and public social media posts from friends sharing what an inspiration my public journey has been to them. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT WITH ME!!! I never went into this thinking I’d inspire anyone. I just did what felt right. To those whom I’ve partnered with, know that we will reach our goals. And to those brutal cold months ahead… I’m ready for you!

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