Friday, August 8, 2014

From the mouth of babes!

The other day I was playing with Pepper and she did something phenomenal (the fact that she breathes is phenom to me). I made her look at me because I wanted her to hear what I was about to tell her. I stared into those big beautiful eyes and said, “I am proud of you!” And with the same level of intensity she said, “I’m proud of you, Mommy.” Fighting back tears I thought to myself… she doesn’t know what she said to me but she just rocked my world.

My #newnormal happened like this. I was rocking along doing my thing when all of a sudden I was shifted into an alternate world… no, that doesn’t give it justice. I was shifted into an alternate galaxy! Yeah, that’s more like it. I started over in a way… a do-over for adulthood. A chance to really L-I-V-E. This galaxy was completely new to me and honestly I had no idea how to navigate it. All I knew was it involved spending time with this wonderful being that I fought for years to create. But if you follow my blog you are like, ok already, we KNOW that!

So here is what you don’t know… I am experiencing a happiness that’s - well, galactic! Oh my goodness I am happy! I was constantly fighting – myself and my fellow “competitors” – because in my mind all of you were just that. I was in a game and I came to win – we all did, right? Well, I am no longer in a game. Not in this galaxy! I’m in a “space” now that requires love and I am finding that I have lots of that to give. And that is why I am “galactically” happy. I am happy because everyday I am taking time to make me a better me… physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And thank goodness I’m finding this internal love, because when you start peeling back the onion, you need it. Because it hurts and it stinks and it gets uglier before it gets better. You must cling to that love within you, allowing it to get stronger as it takes over your heart. And then you begin to see the beauty that’s been around you… and more importantly, the beauty that is in you.

The other day I was at the park with Pepper and we were playing something or another. It was finally time for lunch so I walked to the car and grabbed our lunchbox. We sat on the bench and talked while we ate. Ok, so we talked about how she wanted to go back and swing but hey, we talked. The happiness that I’ve been feeling washed over me and I just smiled. She figured she won the argument… and yeah, she did. But inside I knew that even that was a victory for me. The me that existed in that other world wouldn’t have given in because like I said, I came to win, and I would have been justified by her need to know who was boss. #bologna

Now don’t get me wrong… there are still rules, routines, schedules, chores, frustrations, sad moments, disappointments and headaches in my galaxy. What has changed, and continues to change, is me. I am learning that I need some work and I am allowing that work to run its course. But I quickly discovered that I could whine or I could take the bull by the horns and teach that sucker a lesson! Well, I am holding on with both hands… and it’s a wild but marvelous ride. Anyone who knew me knows that I was more self-conscious than a little bit. Always looking over my shoulder wondering who was trying to overtake me. Always in a rush to make a quick decision because I had to “keep it moving,” as I’d say. Always making plans, always moving on to the next urgent matter.

My lesson is simple – happiness is determined by the love we have for ourselves. I did not have that but I do have that now! I am proud of me, too, Pepper. I pray that God continues to show me how to be a better person. The happiness I feel is hard to pen but if you hang around me maybe you’ll catch a piece of it. Maybe I can impart some of the love that I’m finding inside to you. I had plenty of love given to me from the outside – my friends, my family, my husband. But finding love within yourself is what makes you truly happy. That kind of love replaces years and years of pain and sad transgressions. That kind of love says “I am beautiful” no matter where I got my dress. Love that shows me the beauty in the belly I [still] have from pregnancy. Love that says even in the midst of losing a world I knew for the galaxy I gained… I am free. So…

Don’t cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you

All through my wild days

My mad existence

I kept my promise

Don't keep your distance
And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in

Though it seems to the world they were all I desired
They are illusions

They're not the solutions they promised to be

The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me (the NEW me)