Weight, What?!

weight
(Webster 1828 edition) –
a ponderous mass; something heavy; pressure; burden

(Merrian-Webster) –
a measurement that indicates how heavy a person or thing is

Sometimes I take a look at myself in the mirror and wonder how on earth I got to this size. It’s been one wild [sad] roller coaster ride. Up and down my weight went on the scales. Each pound gained adding more depression that I’d have to mask with my fun, vibrant personality. Surely, I could keep faking it. Who was I kidding?! One mention about how nice I looked and it poured out of me.

"Girl, I wish I was your size!"
"If I weighed what you weigh I’d never workout!"
"Ha, thanks, but I’ve got to get control of my weight."
"You think so, with these thighs?"
"Oh my goodness, if only my butt was smaller."
"Oh I hate pants. I love skirts and dresses because they are so girlie!"
"Honey please, I know I’m a biscuit!"

The negativity never ceased in my mind. I saw it when I looked in the mirror, tried on clothes, and took up the entire chair. (Side thought... I always thought it was cool to sit in a chair and still have some of the cushion show. I’m getting there!) Simple things like seeing my shadow and its size in comparison to my smaller, more petite friends made me put on a bigger show. “Make’em think you’re happy girl! Never let them know you hate your body.” Sadly, it never was enough to make me change. So bigger I grew.

Significant emotional events can make or break you. They can alter your reality, your life, your points of view for better or for worse. You can choose to dwell in what feels like the depth of despair or rise from the ashes as a new being. I decided to take control of my life. Every-single-aspect-of-it. It started with learning to love me. It took lots of tears, lots of honesty, realization AND acceptance of truth. As my internal woman grew stronger, my self-assurance grew, and as the authentic Tahnika emerged I took a good, long look in the mirror. Blossoming to well over 200 pounds, I looked at a picture and saw a face I no longer recognized. I decided it was time to fight the biggest battle of my life. My weight.

Anytime I’d attempted to fight this battle I was pretty hush hush about it. But as I previously blogged, I have been extremely public this FINAL go-around. It’s quite therapeutic because for every post made on social media are 10 [plus] doubtful thoughts all belonging or coming from me. (So when you say to yourself, ENOUGH already with the posts, remember these are helping her and maybe someone else fighting the same battle.) My happiest posts are pictures of my entire body. They are so dang liberating! And then there is this one – a picture of the back of my body.

But let me tell you, not an hour after it was posted I caught a glimpse of myself sitting down and there it was… that dang extra layer of fat in my lower back, upper gluteus region. What is this to me now? FUEL! Had I not been cooking dinner I would’ve made the following post…

…reminding myself that this-is-war! And while I can enjoy the victory there is far more fighting ahead.

I’ve received calls, texts, private messages and public social media posts from friends sharing what an inspiration my public journey has been to them. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT WITH ME!!! I never went into this thinking I’d inspire anyone. I just did what felt right. To those whom I’ve partnered with, know that we will reach our goals. And to those brutal cold months ahead… I’m ready for you!

Dropping LBS Baby

So lady, you’re working out and losing weight… why do you have to broadcast it to the world?!

Since as early as 5th/6th grade, I have battled with my weight. I never saw myself as small. I saw myself as a “thick chick.” I’d like to point out that at one point when I was seeing a big girl I was fitting in a size 3. That was 8th grade. As I went through high school the battle grew worse and by the time college came and I was being referred to as the “dark-skinned girl with the big booty” I was just done inside. Mind you, I weighed 130 pounds. Hardly a “big girl” or a “thick chick”. It would be easy to point fingers about why I lacked self-confidence but at the end of the day the only question I needed to finally answer was “when am I going to face this battle?”

I started facing it this year. I’d finally gotten tired. And here is what I was tired of. I only fit into plus-sized clothes and would drop my head as I walked into plus-sized stores – praying no one saw me. I could no longer wear my wedding band and my wedding ring fit so snuggly I just stopped wearing it as well. My clothes consisted of cotton skirts and dresses because everything else was too tight and uncomfortable… they showed too many [fat] rolls! My shoes no longer fit. My bracelets no longer fit. I stopped going out because I felt like people were thinking, “wow, she let herself go!” And worst of all – I would NEVER take full body pictures. I have this beautiful family and I hid in pictures with them.

I. Was. Miserable. Tired. Depressed.

What motivated me? I saw an old classmate post before and after pictures and inquired about her journey. It took a year for her to lose and she did it the good old-fashioned way. Clean eating and working out. No pills, no diet plans. I’m an authorized distributor of Advocare so I did want to incorporate it into my new lifestyle. My other motivation was my family. I wanted to take pictures – full-body pictures and not freak out when I viewed them. But my number one motivation? I refused to let my sweet Pepper grow up hearing me talk about my weight issues.

All good but why share? It frees me! It’s my outlet. I never have shared my workouts because I knew they would stop. I also thought people who shared their workouts just wanted to brag. I chuckle at that now. This from someone who LOVES Facebook! Life has a way of sitting (sometimes knocking) you down and saying (sometimes yelling), “get a grip!” I post about my workouts and my weight loss journey as a way to shun my thoughts of laziness. “You wanna chill girl… yeah, no one thought you’d stick with it anyway.”

Sharing my journey helps me stay consistent. I post for me. Not for you and certainly NOT for any accolades. Hand to God. I truly post for me. Most posts occur when I am in the car at the gym, eyes wanting to shut, legs aching, and feelings like I can’t do it. So I find a motivational post and get out the car. Other posts occur after a workout when I’ve fought for an hour or longer WITH MYSELF. Thoughts of stopping and walking. Thoughts of how many miles are left. Thoughts of you likely walk faster than you run so why bother.

This weight battle is serious for me. It’s not fun or funny. It’s not going away over night. And so my openness about it is extremely cathartic. It’s a release. It’s me screaming back! It’s me taking control and working to win the battle once and for all. Here’s to healthy living, clean eating, nearly 30 pounds lost, and nearly 80 consecutive days of logging every bite I’ve taken!

I. Will. Drop. The. LBS!!!!!!!!!!
#droppingLBS #mommycanrun #halfmarathonmind