Thursday, September 3, 2015

Balancing Act

I’ve always allowed myself to be driven by fear. Fear of many things. Crazy things. Why would I / should I even care kind of things. Just fearful. I’ve dealt with it along my journey in life; but, as I sit here mad that I might not be able to workout today I had to stop and ask, “what the heck is going on, T?” A mere aggravating moment or… a fear?

“Fear, chaos, and paranoia are illusions that can turn into a psychological hell and last an eternity.”

I made a cup of coffee and stared blankly out the window and answered that question as honestly as I could. I’m so dang scared of gaining weight again. I’m scared I’ll fall back into self-indulgence. I’m not sure I can lose weight by eating right alone. I am fearful I’ll never get to my goal weight. I’m scared I’ll get another blood clot and be sidelined. I’m just scared of being that “dark-skinned girl with the big booty” my whole life.

After I answered that question I looked around my house. It’s clean, but not as clean as I normally keep it. My daily prayer and meditation… it’s happening, but not as regularly as it was happening. My time to breathe, read a book, sew and craft… not happening at all. And as my husband left this morning he politely mentioned a few things I've been promising to get done… but have neglected. In truth, my drive to lose weight is all that’s really on my mind.

This pretty little flower was growing on my okra branches. I took this picture because I thought it was kind of cool. I found out it's a strangling vine. It's beauty is intended to kill life. I’ve knocked my life off balance because my world has become like this flower. In my mind, "Skinny T" means a prettier T - even if I've strangled the life out of everything else to achieve it. You all, I'm being honest and very vulnerable today. Matthew 16:26 reads, “For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” I’ve been down this road before and it profited me nothing. A “Skinny T” was becoming my everything. But at what cost was I willing to get her?

On Tuesday, September 1, I shared on social media that this was a new month with new possibilities…fun times ahead! Today, I choose to live that post. My possibilities are wrapped around ensuring that my life is in balance. I will get to my goal weight but not by sacrificing everything else around me. I will still eat clean, run and workout; I will stay mindful of what it takes to reach my goal. A balanced life is not an excuse to slack off now!!! But I will also be mindful that I have a life to live with responsibilities that are equally important and deserving of my time. A balanced Tahnika is a healthy Tahnika – and that is my ultimate goal!


Ruth Thomas said...

My third comment. I am proud of you. Balance/healthy is good. U r beautiful and have always been beautiful.

Unknown said...

So awesome!! I hope and pray you reach all of your goals in life! You are beautiful!!

Unknown said...


Showtime Showtime said...
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Showtime Showtime said...

I love the title "Balancing Act", it is so true! That is what we do on a daily basis in life. We are balancing time with the Father, housework, jobs, children, husbands, outside activities, I could go on and on. The key is to prioritize, which I have not been good at doing until recently, (still could use some work) and that is where your words come in....thanks for sharing! You are an inspiration.