Friday, July 11, 2014

One Month Old

It has been a month since I started my journey of self-discovery. It has had its highs and its lows but it has been amazing. So let's go ahead and tackle the lows. In a nutshell, they come when I doubt myself and my decision to quit my job. Was I crazy? Should I have thought longer, harder? People probably think I've lost it. Sometimes I even cry a little (ok, a lot) and I want to call the world and say I am not crazy!!! And then I realize that I am thinking about this on my deck at 10:00 in the morning with a nice cup of coffee...and I realize that I am free.

Now, quitting my job meant giving up half of our family’s income. That doesn't come without sacrifice. We don't eat out all the time. Heck, ordering pizza one night was like a special treat! And two days later when we went to breakfast I thought I had hit the jackpot! I have my daughter (who is learning to be potty trained - sigh) with me almost all the time. I took on the responsibility of keeping the home and preparing meals. Not too bad until you're washing dishes (because paper products are a luxury people) for the umpteenth time when you'd rather be at the salon for your standing weekly gel nail appointment (also a luxury item that you've since given up)!

But! Yes, there's a BUT! But, there is beauty in all of this. In one month, I have seen more beautiful things than I've ever witnessed in my life. No, this is not the dramatic climax of my blog entry. I'm just stating the truth, my beautiful little life-changing truth. I realized that I'd never seen my husband for the protector that he has always wanted to be. I'll never forget the moment I realized it because it was a tangible moment that occurred from a simple embrace. An embrace that said, "I've got you, Lovely, and you have nothing to worry about." We've been married for almost 13 years and I've never felt I needed that. I wish I'd allowed it the entire 13 years. You may call me old fashioned but I call me a Godly woman who has rediscovered the love for Christ that she'd lost. My foundation was built on my career and not on the teachings I once cherished. I'd stopped praying and during weekly church services instead of listening, more often than not, I was surfing the net... ok so occasionally I even played Candy Crush.

I created a calendar of events and joined a "mommy & me" (thank you Facebook for your random advertisements) group. My daughter and I have started visiting places I was always too busy or too tired to visit before. We are discovering parks and daytime activities that keep us busy and prayerfully will keep us bonded. The other day I started her favorite movie, got her a snack and bundled her up. I was ready to start doing who knows what around the house when she said, "Sit down Mommy, please." We enjoyed that movie. I see my parents and I see them more. How sad is that? I stop by now just to say hi or to bring a sample of what I've cooked. (I don't want to get bored in the kitchen so I have started sampling fun and interesting recipes. Pineapple Dream, anyone? It has been fun for all of us!)

And I workout. And I love it!

So, what am I discovering in all this? That I was lost before. I was driven to climb a ladder that was taking me down. I was no longer breathing and I had stopped living. No, working doesn't mean death. But losing yourself no matter what you are doing is simply walking dead. I lost myself in my career. I lost me and now I am finding me. I love taking care of my family because I first take care of myself. I am gardening. I am still crafting. I am cooking. I...am happy.

I have just begun, friends. I wanted a month to go by before I wrote my first blog because I wanted time to be sure I wanted to blog. I've rushed everything in my life. And I don't want to "hurry up and go" anymore. I want to keep living because I have tasted it and it's absolutely fantastic.

In the words of my little Pepper... Lata Gater

1 comment:

Carmen Carson said...

Love this! Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so transparent with your discoveries. Blessings to you.